Feb 5, 2007

Heat

Last week, Maud underwent her first heat. It seemed a little early, as we still call her The Kitten, but I guess way-underage sex is not limited to the human species. In fact, given that Maud is only about seven in cat years, tweenage sex is downright responsible.

I've done a quick about.com check, just in case we had it wrong and she was just being crazy kitten or something.

1. Immediately preceeding oestrus, your female cat may become unusually affection, and rub her hind quarters against furniture, other cats, and/or her favorite human.
Well, she didn't bite us quite as much, and Guy got a lot of hindquarter rubbing, though I'd prefer to believe that's because he's male and not because he's her favorite, because hey now that's not right. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that she "became affection" because that would require some feat of postmodernist deus ex machina.

And at that point I stopped reading about.com because clearly if they can't check their own grammar I have some serious doubts about their veterinarian abilities.

Actually, it was pretty clear what was going on. It was like a combination of cramps and the worst case of female blue-balling that I have ever seen. She couldn't settle anywhere, but just kind of followed us around whimpering and dragging her crotch on the floor. Guy joked about how he would help her if he could, only really he wouldn't because punchline a) it would probably be a little more than she was looking for, and punchline b) it's icky for many many reasons. She didn't seem to think so.

I joked about buying her a kitty vibrator, which it turns out wasn't so far out there. Everything2.com, which granted is even less respectable than about.com, recommended inserting a Q-tip into the cat's vagina, and moving it back and forth until the cat orgasms, which apparently should be very easy to determine.

I think we'll just get her spayed, thanks.

We kept the vibrator jokes to a minimum when the kids were around, but obviously they noticed something amiss, since Maud was like an entirely different--and very unhappy--animal. I came home one evening to Boy saying "Dad says Maud's in heat. What does 'in heat' mean?"

Thanks a bunch there, Guy.

"It's something cats go through when they're ready to have kittens."

"We're going to have kittens?!!!?"

"No. It doesn't mean she's pregnant, it just means she's old enough to have kittens now." (Boy knows about sex, and talks about it often, and somewhat inappropriately, i.e. "That gesture Girl is making looks like semen.")

"Oh. Can we have kittens?"

"No. We already have a kitten." Just one that's old enough to have her own. Sad world.

Later, Boy asked Guy "Do all women go through heat?"

Guy said "NO. Just cats."

Hmm.

4 comments:

Julie said...

Looks like semen! Haha.

After my older sister learned about sex her Barbie came home from a date and excitedly told her mom Barbie that Ken shot sperm. Oh, I badgered her until she told me what that meant.

Ruth said...

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.

Julie said...

I know. I keep laughing about this. That's a pretty astute question...do all women go into heat. Guy sort-of sidestepped the truth on a technicality there.

Cordelia said...

To clarify:
Boy's comment wasn't quite as insane as it sounds--Girl was holding a lego to her crotch (like you do) and he went for something a little less obvious than the "looks like she's peeing" joke. But his syntax made it especially bizarre.