My Water Has a Post-Graduate Degree

Yesterday, I was given a bottle of smartwater. I was very excited. It was not that I misunderstood--I did not believe this water would make me smarter, indeed no. I merely understood that my water was smarter than other people's.

I looked smugly over at Guy, drinking his Poland Spring, and said "Your water is dumb." He accused me of making a Polish joke. I, offended, said I would never do that. I was merely pointing out that my water was smart and his was not.

The label on my bottle of smartwater proclaims: "Clouds are unsung heroes because they contain nature's purest source of water. Meanwhile, spring water comes from the ground and contains random stuff and whatever else the animals that wim in it leave behind."

"See?" I said. "Your water is basically just goat pee."

smartwater bottle continues: "That's why we copied our white puffy friends by creating smartwater. It's vapor distilled so it is in its purest original state."

"Huh," I said. "In that instance, wouldn't its original state be vapor, and so this its second state?"

smartwater: "We one-up the clouds by adding electrolytes just in case."

I look at my smartwater bottle, now nearly empty. I look over at Guy's (much smaller) Poland Spring bottle, nearly full. I drank this whole bottle, and my thirst feels not the least bit quenched. I drink Guy's Poland Spring. Electrolytes make me thirsty.