May 2, 2006

Sausage Legs

A photograph was taken of me at my high school Winter Ball, and I have never recovered.

No, it wasn't a horrible photo. Sure, I was sporting an unfortunate haircut, and had braces, but man that was stunning dress. No, the reason that photograph has haunted me is because my legs looked fan-freaking-tastic in it. I had velvet black pumps (they worked with the dress, really) and stockings, and I had the sexiest legs I'd ever seen.

Granted, any fourteen-year-old's legs are probably going to be pretty thin, but this was Hawaii--I'd seen my fair share and more of legs. Tanned, shapely, surfer/runner/swimmer girl legs were everywhere. And that night, mine beat them all. And I didn't exercise at all! A hike now and then, a box step or a grapevine across the stage, some jazz hands, but that's it.

I concluded that it had to have been the stockings. Nobody wears stockings in Hawaii (the humidity makes them pretty damn disgusting). But I wore stockings that night because my mom told me to, and it totally paid off.

Unfortunately, the experience has never been repeated. Now that I'm in New York, where you have to wear stockings in order to avoid freezing to death, my legs always look like lumpy rolls of meat squished into sausage casing. Remove the stockings, and they look like legs again.

So I usually go without stockings, unless it's actually freezing out. Sometimes, looking at my hastily-shaven legs, I think "hey, maybe some nylons would make these sticks look better. Remember that photo. . ."

Nope. I'm always wrong. Stockings suck.

Bewitched, Bothered, Bewildered, Ella Fitzgerald

Mal: What the hell happened back there?
Wash: Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90 pound girl, cause I don't think that's ever getting old.

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