Making Everything About Me

When I was in college I knew a creepy, abusive, and probably insane guy named Ben. When I talk about this period of my life, it's simplest to say I was stalked, but that's really not it at all. It would be much more accurate to say I was an abused housewife, with all the attendant self-recrimination and hamster-on-a-wheel behavior. I have made peace with my own stupidity and spinelessness, but I don't know if I've fully recovered--or if I ever will.

People have asked me why I don't have my name on this site, since most of my readers know who I am. The answer is very simple: I don't want to make things easier. If Ben ever shrugged and thought "hey, I wonder how Cordelia's doing and maybe I'll look her up so I can hit her some more," I don't want him to be able to do a google search and show up here. You can find out a lot of things by doing a google search for me, but you can't find me and my life.

Did I ever report him? No. (Again with the spinelessness). But if Virginia Tech has told me anything, it's that it wouldn't have mattered if I did. Because of the abused housewife thing we had going on, there really was very little anyone could object to (or at least that's how it felt at the time, considering that no one who witnessed his behavior ever did). But those women did report crazy ass behavior, and it accomplished nothing and everybody still ended up dead.

I don't expect Ben to start shooting anybody, but I would not be shocked.

Do I feel nervous putting this out there? Yes. Probably even a little scared. But here we go.

Hello, Ben! What's new? Next time I run into you, I'm calling the cops.

And No Skinning Them Either

I was going to write about something important, like how so many people out there have not seen Ladyhawke and that is just a damn shame because Ladyhawke has both Ferris Bueller-esque Matthew Broderick AND Bladerunner-as-opposed-to-The Hitcher-esque Rutger Hauer, PLUS it has swords and crossbows and hawks and wolves and horses, but I was informed that were I to proclaim my love for this movie I would lose all credibility forever and ever Amen, and so I won't.

Instead, I'm going to talk about Canadians. Unlike most, I have had great love for Canadians. Dude, Neil Young is Canadian. Okay, right, I hate him, but others whose opinions I respect really do seem to like him and so I will concede that there must be something valuable there. And anyway Joni Mitchell. L.M. Montgomery. Catherine O'Hara. Rufus Wainwright. Tegan and Sara. Leonard Cohen.

And they have really good healthcare, and I've talked to a lot of Canadians who never once uttered the word "eh" so I think that must be a myth, and hey it's EVEN COLDER UP THERE THAN IT IS IN MINNESOTA so I think that earns them a little slack.

Well, no more. The BBC has reported that Canadians are even more insane than the insanest.

The town council of Herouxville, Quebec issued a proclamation for all immigrants, informing them that Herouxville has certain standards, and the town council is hereby enumerating the cultural practices that will not be tolerated there.

The declaration declares: "We wish to inform these new arrivals that the way of life which they abandoned when they left their countries of origin cannot be recreated here. We consider it completely outside norms to... kill women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, circumcising them etc."

It goes on to stipulate that in Herouxville, women are allowed to drive, vote, dance, and own their own homes. Sikh children are not allowed to carry their ceremonial daggers to school, even though the Supreme Court has ruled that they can.

A Montreal police officer was so enthusiastic about all this, that, in the tradition of Canada's great musicians, he wrote a political ditty: "We want to accept ethnics, but not at any price...If you're not happy with your fate, there's a place called the airport."

Councillor Andre Drouin, the driving force behind the declaration, is shocked that people--including the president of the Muslim Council of Montreal--find the declaration to be racist. After all, there have been cultural clashes between immigrants and real Canadians, and it's time to lay some ground rules.

Of course, the documented incidents have included asking a Toronto courthouse to take down their Christmas tree, and a gym to frost their windows so folks don't have to watch the sweaty jigglings on the treadmills. No acid-burnings or drive-by circumcisions have been reported.



I'm gonna blow this damn candle out
I don't want nobody coming over to my table
I've got nothing to talk to anybody about

Future?

Last night, Guy and I went to see Children of Men. My admiration for Clive Owen has been amply documented here, so I suppose I need not go into it much further, except to say that, once again, it was like no one else was onscreen.

Children of Men has been hailed as the new Bladerunner, but I don't think that's accurate. Bladerunner was fun. This was tense, frightening, and completely believable, unfortunately. Children of Men asks what would happen if, starting right this minute, we all became infertile. And the result seemed to be that life would continue pretty much along its path (i.e. the one to hell in a handbasket) only there wouldn't be any children around to witness it. England, according to the film, was the country with the "best" handle on the situation, had turned into Iraq.

I had been thinking, watching this, that Homeland Security has little daily effect on us, really. Sure, we have really long lines at the airport and argue over the length of a pair of scissors and the volume of a tube of hand lotion. But for those of us who don't commute via Jet Blue, it's not that big a deal. But then this morning I was almost an hour late to work. Why? Because there was a gas leak in Chelsea.

Okay, yes, bad. But the fact that a gas leak merits a) shutting down all trains into midtown from New Jersey, b) placing 4-5 police officers at every station, and c) referring to the gas leak as a "police action" only makes things worse.

I know the theory is to take precautions, and to treat every possible danger as the ultimate threat. But I'm tired of living in fear, and I'm tired of being told to be afraid; I was sure the police action was just some guy who hadn't had his coffee yet this morning and had refused to let his backpack be searched. Instead, it's not even as unusual as that. I don't feel safer being constantly surrounded by police. Even if the guns are being held by people who are supposed to be on my side, as far as I'm concerned, that only ups the chances that I'm going to get shot by a stray bullet.

*Edited to add: So it was apparently NOT a gas leak, but a leak of the stuff that is added to gas to make it smell weird so you know there's a leak...and the reasons for this smell are as yet unknown. So--weird and spooky, but actually even less dangerous than if it were a gas leak.

My Next Career

I've decided to switch careers. I think I'm far more qualified to work in foreign policy. I'll get myself a couple of gigs on Stephen Colbert and Fox News, because they'd agree with me, and whoosh! up I'll go to the decision-making hilltops.

Cause see, I get why North Korea wants to develop nuclear weapons. (My schtick will be that I talk like your average Cordy.) You're not well-liked, and people who don't like you have them, and there aren't exactly nuclear-proof vests, so you want to be able to say "mess with the bull you get the horns," so to speak.

Of course, I get why everybody else (i.e. the people who already have nuclear weapons--and by the way, it's pronounced new-clear. Like it's spelled. Not New-cue-lar. Cause that's not how it's spelled) doesn't want North Korea, or other people who don't have nuclear weapons, to have nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons are generally agreed to be bad.

So here's what I suggest: economic sanctions and whatnot don't seem to be doing the trick, especially since not being able to buy cigarettes doesn't exactly protect North Korea from nuclear attack. Cancer maybe, but that's a lesser worry. What would really protect North Korea would be having nuclear weapons without having nuclear weapons.

We need to step up and say that anybody who nuclearly attacks a country without nuclear weapons can expect retaliation from us, since we have all these weapons to spare. And yes, I'm not talking trade embargo, I'm talking Hiroshima. Only bigger, since there's been some scientific advancement in that area.

The thing is, this rule has to apply across the board. I'm sure President Bush would be plenty willing to wipe out Lebanon if they took out Israel, but we would also need to step up and say "England, we don't like Iraq either. But sorry chaps, that's against the rules. Farewell Piccadilly, goodbye Leicester Square."

So what do you think? I'm expecting Stephen Colbert to call any second now.

Further Pre-Pregnant Thoughts:

Unfortunately, I burned the article that got me all riled up, so I'm unable to provide accurate quote sources. But since this is just a rant, professional journalism doesn't really have a place anyway.

I distinctly recall someone--I don't think it was the CMDA, but rather a leader in the Christian Right--saying that contraception encourages homosexuality.

Yep. Quite a leap in logic there, eh? I mean, honestly, if there's anyone who has no use for contraception, it's a homosexual couple. This person argued that contraception encourages consequence-free sex, which encourages experimentation, which leads you to-bingo! Sodom and Gemorrah.

I have to wonder what the CMDA's position is on breast-feeding: although breast-feeding is proven to have an extraordinarily beneficient effect on infant health, it does act as a natural contraceptive. Does the prevention of future children outweigh the benefits for the current child? It wouldn't surprise me. Not to mention, excessive contact with breasts may encourage promiscuity later in life.

Song:
Whores Hustle, Hustlers Whore, PJ Harvey

Quote:
Luke (re: breastfeeding): When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show.
(Gilmore Girls)

I'm Not a Grocery Bag

This morning, anyone eavesdropping on me would have heard me shouting "feck you!" "Oh, fecking feck off, you feckers!" Or words to that effect.

I'm pre-pregnant? Even if I never plan to have children, I'm pre-pregnant, and should treat my body as such? A well-cared for carrier of possible progeny. Since childbearing is my only goal and valid experience and role in life, I really appreciate such thoughtful advice. Now I'll just wait until someone fills me up, and shuttles me around until I'm ready to unload.

And what the hell is the Christian Medical and Dental Association on about? Frankly, I doubt God is focusing on whether life begins at fertilization, at implantation, or at the moment a teenager starts menstruating. The CMDA would do better to tell my dentist to stop drilling excessively, or to tell my doctor that I really don't need to spend the $15 copay to come in and be told absolutely nothing (and I'm sure my insurance company would agree).

And oooh, get this: Abstinence Clearinghouse sponsors "Purity Balls" in which the teenage girl's date is her father. At these balls, the father gives his daughter a "purity ring," which symbolizes her promise to maintain her virginity for her future husband. During her eventual marriage ceremony, the daughter gives the ring to her new husband.

I don't even know where to start--the incestual implications are just so vast. Let me tell you, Guy will have absolutely NOTHING to do with Girl's sex life. And I'm sure the new hubby is just thrilled that his bride's sexuality had been so well-tended by her father. Do you suppose if the daughter messes up, the father will tattoo her chest with a scarlet letter?

Have I ever had casual sex? Yes. Is sex something I take seriously, emotionally as well as medically? Yes.
Would I have an abortion? No. If raped? Probably. (Related topic: if I were raped, and the hospital I went to sent me down the street to get a morning-after pill, would I feel like I was being vitimized further? Yes). Do I think abortion is often taken too lightly? Yes. Do I think the government has the right to legislate? No.

Do any of these questions matter? NO. Because goddamn it, abortion is legal. Sex is legal--and are these people honestly hearing themselves say that they have any right whatsoever to tell anyone whether to have sex or worse, how to feel about having sex, inside of marriage, outside of marriage, before adulthood, at all? It's absurd.

But it is happening. And let me tell you, I'm going to run down to Duane Reade right now to pick up my refill for my birth control pills, because I don't want any child of mine to be subjected to this abuse.

I had sex last night. And I liked it. Not that it's anyone's business.