A Slew of Boyfriend Questions

But first off, a picture of my shoes. Because dude, these are beautiful shoes.



I want to marry them.



Dear Cordelia:

My boyfriend has a poster of his ex-girlfriend hanging in his room. Should I break up with him?

Cordelia Says:

Well, no. Don't panic. Which of us hasn't come across a picture of the ex-girlfriend, and had to resist shouting "Why do you have this?!? Didn't you burn everything of hers? Why not?!"

Although, I have to say--a poster? That's not exactly like an old photograph you find in a book or something. Posters are big. And prominent. Is it, like, really artistic or something, and so it's just up there for interior decorating purposes?

But either way, you get to ask. Anybody who has a poster of his ex-girlfriend up is begging to be asked about it. You can even go so far as to say "You know, this giant picture makes me think you might still have a thing for your ex--is that true?" And see what he says. And then maybe break up with him, because a poster is fucking excessive.




Dear Cordelia:

What if you just started going out with a new guy, and he constantly mentions his ex-girlfriend. Not in a bad way, but just brings her up a lot. Do you wait to get screwed over, or walk away immediately?

Cordelia says:

Well. This is similar to the poster thing. If it were the same guy, I would say run away immediately. But again, this merits further investigation. It certainly is possible that he will go back to his ex, but by no means guaranteed.

I have a friend who constantly talks about her life with her ex, even though she is now happy with someone else. I'm not sure why she does it, but she does and I don't think it means anything.

On the other hand, hearing about the ex--even, as you say, in a perfectly casual, non-nostalgic way--has got to be irritating, and certainly merits concern. If you ask, I'm sure he'll shrug it off--nobody wants to admit to their current girlfriend that they're still hung up on their ex. I'd advise you to watch closely: is it really non-nostalgic? If not, or if you don't care enough about the guy to wait and see, yes, you should walk away. Otherwise, thicken up your skin and tell him to knock it off.




Dear Cordelia:

What if you've been seeing a guy for a while, six months or so. But the whole time, you've never made it official. People ask you if you're together, and you want to say yes, but technically, you're not. Do you wait for this guy to finally take some initiative, or hit him with an ultimatum?

Cordelia says:

Um. Six months? I'd say you've definitely done enough waiting.

Now, some clueless guys don't realize that they have to say "So we're a couple now, that's cool with you, right?" Which may be all it is. However, if in six months you've never heard him casually introduce you as his girlfriend, or say he's meeting his girlfriend, or "hey, I need to go buy a Valentine's Day present for my girlfriend," then I'm sorry to say that the answer may not be the one you're looking for.

But don't ultimatum. Have the conversation, and if he says "blah blah don't want to put any labels on this blah blah"--or worse, "well, I'm seeing all these other people, so I couldn't really call you my girlfriend," which happened to me--then you decide. Do you want things to move forward with this guy, or are you happy enough with the status quo?

Long Time Since We Did This, Huh?

Dear Cordelia:
I have an acquaintance that I a) have to have contact with on a regular basis, and b) am obligated to be, at the very least, polite to. She shares this obligation, but sadly ignores it fairly often, in a Bridget Jones Jellyfishy sort of way. I can think of a number of reasons why she may not like me very much, but frankly I don't think that excuses her bitchiness, since I've never been anything but nice to her. When confronted with said acts of sneaky (or not-so-sneaky; pretending I don't exist while I'm talking to her isn't exactly subtle) mean behavior, she says she never does anything of the sort--and, to be fair, she'll be friendlier for a while, but then it'll all start up again. What should I do?

Cordelia says:
Well, it doesn't seem like asking her to stop does any good. If she refuses to admit to (or genuinely doesn't recognize) her bitchy behavior, it's unlikely she'll start doing anything differently. But I have to ask, why do you care? I get that it's difficult to be around someone who is mean to you, but getting your feelings hurt over it is silly. I'm guessing that the "reasons" you mentioned include jealousy, as is often the case, and there's really no getting around that--instead, try to view her behavior as a kind of backwards compliment. Also--quit being nice. You can be cordial, but don't be nice. It'll only make you resentful, and it'll only piss her off. Which could be fun, but probably wouldn't help the situation much in the long run.

Superheroes

Dear Cordelia:
What superhero (other than yourself, when the powers-that-be took an interest) would you like to be?

Cordelia says:
Are you talking about that crazy glowy-business I had going on before I was sucked up into the stars to be possessed by an evil Power? Yeah, that definitely wouldn't have been my top choice. If I'd been given a choice.

See, I've basically been hanging around superheroes all my life. Angel, Buffy, I guess Willow counts lately. . .None of them really have a sense of humor at this point. Power doesn't seem to corrupt necessarily, it just makes you cranky.

So hmmm. I saw Mystery Men, kinda lame, but I remember thinking Bill H. Macy as The Shoveler was funny. "I shovel well." I could do something like that. I could be The Woman Scorned, and just slap demons across the face or spill drinks on them and storm off.

On the other hand, they'd probably kill me when my back was turned. It'd be funny, but then I'd be dead.

So a little more power than huffy bitchiness is necessary.

You know what's handy? Teleportation. ( Why couldn't Jasmine have saddled me up with that? Floating, for crying out loud? What good does that do anyone?) You know what else is handy? Being able to hit really hard. So here's my Superhero CV:

1. I can teleport--and I'm not limited to places I can see, either--I can teleport to Rodeo Drive from The Valley. Or to Paris, for that matter.

2. I can hit really hard. A light slap, and the beastie is down for the count, crying and calling for his mama.

3. I am The Whacker. Poof, whack! Poof, whack! And so forth.

Song:
Femme Fatale, The Velvet Underground

Quote:
Willow: Hey, how've you been?
Cordelia: Higher power. You?
Willow: Ultimate evil. But I got better.
(Angel)

Whimper

Dear Cordy,
My tastes outweigh my income. I don't want everything, I mean, I'm not greedy, but there are a lot of great pairs of shoes out there, you know what I mean?
What's a girl to do?

Cordelia says:
My God, I know your pain!

I do want everything. On your left, for example--I have shoes enough like these to work with any outfit I may want to wear them with. There's really no point in spending the too-much-to-even-say-it money on them. But I want them! I feel like I spend most of my life wishing I could afford all the things I want. I try to just enjoy the fact that these shoes exist.

My only advice for you is to do as I do, unhappy as it makes me--a) never spend more than a hundred dollars on a pair of shoes. Shoes that cost more than that are not worth it, no matter how beautiful they are. b) If you already have comparable shoes, leave them on the shelf. You do not have the closet space of Imelda Markos. c) How many espadrilles does a girl need? If the shoe is only wearable for one month out of the year, think hard. d) How painful do they look? This is the one I have the most trouble with. The most beautiful shoes in the world are inevitably the most torturous--is it worth it to own them but never be able to wear them?

I should also include some kind of budget advice, but I really have none to give.

Boredom Burns Calories

Dear Cordy,

I know I should exercise regularly, since my doctor always tells me that and I definitely feel better when I do. However, I find it all so boring. What's a mostly-fit demon to do?

Cordelia Says:

Who do I know that actually exercises, rather than just thinks about it? Ooh, you could do Tai Chi, like Angel! Actually, I really wouldn't recommend that, since it looks like the most mind-numbing activity on the planet.

I know exercising is supposed to be so healthy and all, but if you hate it, then it's really not doing you much good, is it? I try to keep in shape--can't have flab pushing out of my designer jeans, after all. But all the running away from evildoers and kicking and punching, and pulling that drawstring on my crossbow (that thing's a bitch) pretty much takes care of any damage done by the late-night Ben & Jerry's binges.

Of course, I recognize that not everyone prefers my method of exercise either. But the point is, do something you enjoy--jogging might burn calories, but if it also burns brain cells, it's probably a waste of time. Your doctor may not agree, but I'm sure your shrink would.

Try playing a sport--competition usually eliminates boredom. Or go dancing. Or play really fast checkers. Whatever works.

Song:
Tired Hippo, Yo La Tengo

Quote:
Angel: I don't get them. Power walkers. Why not just walk? Or run for better time?
(Angel)

Rory: Run around the block.
Lane: Why?
Rory: I don't know.
Lane: Good enough for me.
(Gilmore Girls)

So Few Sane People. . .

Dear Cordy: What would you do with an acquaintance who likes to create drama in every situation?

Cordelia says:
What is up with those people? They're everywhere and they're maddening. There's just no pleasing them. Something is always wrong, and there's never any fixing it, and clearly the thing to do is to cry and rant about it. Little cry-Buffies. What would I do? I would do my best to avoid that acquaintance. Move to LA, and hope the whiny bitch doesn't try to follow you there.

If that's not an option, all I can say is, "nod and smile, nod and smile." Do not engage, do not participate, and certainly do not try to solve their problems. That only encourages them. Do your best to be friendly (but not friends) and silently remind yourself that the world is not how they see it, and that they'll stop talking someday.

Song:
I Think I Smell A Rat, The White Stripes

Quote:
Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
(Buffy)

The Magical Vanishing Sibling

Dear Cordy,
I'd like to be closer to one of my siblings, but each time it seems like we're making progress, this sibling retreats. Do I press on, or would it be better to give them space?

Cordelia says:
Seeing as how I'm an only child, I can't really draw on personal experience. On the other hand, I do know a lot about annoying hot-then-cold-then-hot people. But I'm assuming you and your sibling do not have incestuous tendencies, yes? And your sibling probably did not spend centuries killing people. . . Okay, personal experience not helpful here.

Which leaves us with my considerable people skills.

I'm going to assume that, since you put a fair amount of effort into this relationship already, you like this sibling, and would want to hang out with them, even apart from familial obligations. (Because seriously, if that's not the case, you're wasting everyone's time. Being related to someone does not mean you have to be best pals. You can love them, and want the best for them, and see them at holidays, but you don't have to be their friend). A question you have to ask yourself is, do they like you? It's possible they don't. People don't like me all the time.

Now, if you feel fairly sure they like you, ask yourself whether they've got stuff going on in their lives that you can't help with. I know, if you're friends AND siblings, you would want to help, and would feel like you are fully qualified to do so. But maybe, by virtue of being in that unique position, you wouldn't be helpful. I've been told that people feel competitive with their siblings, and I know we all always want to impress our family, or at the very least live up to their expectations (or the expectations we imagine they are having). If your sibling is going through a hard time, they may not want to talk to you.

And that's their right--you may not want to be shut out, but think about times you've wanted to avoid them. You went out with that jackass they warned you away from, and you got dumped, and you don't want to hear how they told you so. Even if you know they would never say those exact words, they would hang there in the air like a bad Chanel #5 ripoff.

I say give them space. Sorry kid, but you don't get to decide what kind of relationship you're going to have with someone--they have a choice too. Let them come back if and when they feel like it--you can't force them to be closer to you than they want to be.

Song:
Red Red Red, Fiona Apple

Quote:
Luke: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
(The Gilmore Girls)

Creating Messed Up Children

Yesterday, Girl announced that she wants to refer to "it" as her "front."

Now, pleased as I was to be told that I no longer have to shout "Did you wipe your vagina??" across the house, discussing euphemisms with someone who can't pronounce the word is equally awkward. And I also don't want to create sexually repressed or bodily issues-ridden children by allowing them to swallowed up in society's sexual sheepishness.

Cordelia, what have you to say?

Cordelia says:Well, honestly, you're not the one giving her issues. You're comfortable with her body, but she's trying to create a little distance and privacy. Which makes sense, if she can't be trusted to wipe her own self. And while I understand your hesitation to give in to euphemisms, do you really think it's better to risk being embarrassed by Girl shouting "My vagina itches!" while you're in the grocery store? A little sexual sheepishness may not be such a bad thing, considering that the world is not Burning Man.

No Easter Bunny???

I have this premonition that tonight (or sometime in the near future) Boy will ask flat-out, "Is there an Easter Bunny?" At Christmas, he asked me "Do you believe in Santa?" Now, that's very different from "Is there a Santa?" and so I responded, "I love to believe in Santa"--it's all in the nuances, baby. But that's already been tried this Easter, and he's still coming at us with "Who bought the chocolate bunnies, Daddy?"

In true Cordelia fashion, I advised honesty, and Guy said: "I bought them." And he accepted it! But can that really be the end of it? Will we get away with one more year?

Dearest Cordy, what shall I tell the sensitive boy-child if he asks THE QUESTION?

Cordelia says: Tell him to quit whining and just enjoy the free chocolate, and be grateful there's no Easter Bunny. Even ignoring Anya-like phobias, what would be weirder than a giant overalls-wearing bunny wandering around your room while you're sleeping?

Dear Dee Esq:

Dee Esq. Asks: Is there truth to the rumor that once you give someone allergies, you are free of them? If so, why aren't the world's many allergy sufferers having more sex?

Who says they aren't? But no, like most (if not all--where the hell did this rumor originate?) STDs, allergies just spread, they don't go away. Cordelia says: You give somebody AIDS, it doesn't mean you're cured. Retard.

I think the more germaine question is Why isn't there an allergy prophylactic?