Oct 3, 2007

Sleep & Me

I didn’t sleep much at all during the months of June and July. I would be awake for hours every night, and the lack of sleep would build and build until I would panic and cry hysterically and wake Guy and then neither of us would sleep. It was ugly.

By August 14th, I gave up and sought help. I was put on both anti-anxiety and sleep medication. First I tried Ambien, which didn’t work. Lunesta, the green butterfly, couldn’t keep me asleep. Then I tried Seroquel (which is apparently used for people in comas or with multiple personality disorder or something equally scary.) The Seroquel works. I take it, I start to feel sick, and then I pass out.

Believe you me, at first I was all over this. Hell, I was sleeping! What more could anyone ask! Sure, the feeling sick and the never having sex at night anymore weren’t my favorite things in the world, but Sleep. It is good and important.

Lately, though, it’s starting to take a toll. I’m starting to feel more and more hungover in the mornings, and for the first hour or two that I’m at work I’m confused and sleepy and have trouble remembering which author goes with which book and what their particular contract issues are and what the hell was this manuscript I’m reading about, anyway?

And at night…I’ve been having these long, vivid, incredibly intricately plotted dreams… I’ve always had weird long dreams, but the Seroquel is making it so that I have them every night. At first it was awesome—an adventure every night! But I’ve noticed a pattern….they’re all nightmares. Sometimes they’re fairly simple. I dreamt that I was having dinner and Guy walked into the restaurant and we made eye contact and he moved along. I had all the memories of our relationship, but he didn’t. He felt nothing.

Others, they’re a little more complicated. Grand, dystopic universes in which I’m trying to save the world but must abandon my husband and child and get raped for my trouble.

So yeah. Kinda over the Seroquel. But recently I skipped taking it, and surprise surprise, I couldn’t sleep. I know I need to get my act together and get a new shrink (at some point along the way, the psychiatrist I’d seen all of two times told me Guy doesn’t love me and I have no self-regard but that hey, I really was going to be a great mom! Getting a new one) and get some new medication or do something differently, but I gotta say I’m not really looking forward to putting myself through the emotional (not to mention financial—all these different meds aren’t exactly cheap) rollercoaster-that-only-goes-down-
really-fast-and-did-I-mention-I-have-motion-sickness-and-also-fear?

7 comments:

Guy said...

I didn't know he told you I don't love you...nothing could be further from the truth. He's a dope.
love,
Guy

Robin said...

Hello, I am on Raverly and came across your blog and when I read that your were on seroquel I had to post a reply. I was on it for about 2 or 3 years along with Effexor for being bi-polor. I would sleep so good on the seroquel but started have the same problems as you. the sleeping haze all day. I lost alot of short term memory and had to quit my job!!!!.. I never had the dreams, but they are a side effect from the drug. It is good stuff, but only if you don't plan on having a full time job too!!. it is the only thing that does help me,but Icould not stand the side effects. I have been off all meds for 3 years and I deal with the no sleeping and depresstion..lol... I really hope you find something to help you.. Robin

Cordelia said...

That is very depressing. I have to go take my lexapro now.

awwwfancy said...

What a dipshit your shrink must be. I have only second-hand experience with shrinks, but my understanding was that they weren't really supposed to say stuff like that. Plus, he's obviously never seen you two together.

Anonymous said...

Did you ever think that maybe you have a sleeping disorder? Like apnea? Something that causes you to wake? That never occurred to me before, but so maybe its genetic. Can't hurt to find out. Love, Mom

Anonymous said...

I agree with your mom. Something might be causing you not to sleep. Physically rather than mentally.

Julie said...

I recommend massages instead of psychiatrists.

For sleep, try my family remedy: Get regular exercise as well as regular "exercise," cut out caffeine (I know!), meditate daily, turn off the TV, and work a crossword puzzle before bed. I like to read, but reading probably makes your brain go into work mode. Oh, and get off the speed.