Sep 4, 2007

He has a puh-NIS

In the car on Saturday, the following conversation occurred in the backseat:

Girl: “I don’t have a VAG-ina, I have a puh-NIS!”
Giggle giggle.
Boy: “You don’t have a puh-NIS, you have a VAG-ina!”
Giggle giggle.

Guy and I attempted to feign deafness. After all, they do have penises and vaginas and why shouldn’t this fact be open for discussion, even—or perhaps especially—at age six, and anyway, at least they’re not making us listen to the Buffy Musical Soundtrack for the fortieth time.

However, when I glanced back and saw a tiny six year old finger sticking out of her unzipped pants waving around like a puh-NIS, I accepted the fact that I was just too prudish for this, and asked that they take a break from this game, and hey wouldn’t they like to listen to Hannah Montana? Or even (sigh) High School Musical?

No such luck.

Later that evening, freshly squeaky clean from his shower, Boy announced that he had something tell me—“While I was in the shower, I was playing with my penis, because it was hard, and sperm shot out!”


“Did it feel good?”

“Ohhhh yeah.”

“Okay. That’s called masturbating. It’s perfectly normal. I’m glad it felt good. Have fun.”


Cordelia: Your ten year old son just jerked off in the shower.
Guy: That’s my boy!

But the thing is, I’m not sure he did. A) He’s ten. Which is so early it’s just sad. B) What happened to wet dreams? Doesn’t anybody have wet dreams anymore? C) If you’d just had an orgasm for the first time, would you tell your parents about it??? Much less your stepmother? No. Like me, you’d lock your bedroom door and have at it very quietly and secretively and never never no never masturbate? Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.

He does seem to be going through the early stages of puberty (and so was given a book—What’s Happening to My Body, and gee, I wonder if maybe masturbating was described in this book?) and gives me daily updates on the state of his pubic hair.

Boy: The hairs are growing! (Opens pants) Wanna see?
Cordelia: No, thank you.

I’m not sure why I’m the go-to person on this whole puberty thing. Maybe because I went through it more recently? He and I have had frank talks about how all of this is normal and not weird or gross and no, that’s just regular underarm Polish kid hair, not pubic underarm hair and menstruation isn’t painful (giant lie, but some girlfriend will bitch to him later in life) and no, we needn’t warn Girl about it right this minute, there’s plenty of time.

The kid’s freaking himself out. And dammit, he’s freaking me out. I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t talk to me, but I’m not the expert on all things sex! And I’m not a parent! And not to mention, if Boy has discovered masturbating, those kids are going to need separate rooms asap.

At the very least, we’ll work on the proper pronunciation of various genitalia.


B&G's mom said...

If it's any consolation to you, we're getting it in equal measure at our house. I just keep telling him "there's a reason they're called private parts" and reassuring him that while his fascination with all of this is completely healthy and normal, there are some things which one simply shouldn't share.

Terri said...

I bet he is just repeating what he has read. Curious about your reaction. Read the book. Ask his about is reaction.

S said...

I look forward to conversations like this with my little Bear... OH YE GODS NOOOO....

But the best part of the story is that B&G's mom added her $.02 Awesome!!

cheers y'all


I have to admit that this gave me the hugest laugh of my life. Possibly because my oldest is four and I don't have to deal with this yet. Sorry, I am of no help. We still encourage my middle son to say "Funky Dude" because it sounds funny. ll

stoogette said...

Definitely not too early...I was Queen Perv at a young age (too young to know about denial), so maybe it runs in the family. Plus, I used to babysit a 7 year old girl who would stand over her Clown Head sprinkler that shot water straight up in the air. She would stay there for the longest time and giggle. I knew what she was giggling about.