In the car on Saturday, the following conversation occurred in the backseat:
Girl: “I don’t have a VAG-ina, I have a puh-NIS!”
Boy: “You don’t have a puh-NIS, you have a VAG-ina!”
Guy and I attempted to feign deafness. After all, they do have penises and vaginas and why shouldn’t this fact be open for discussion, even—or perhaps especially—at age six, and anyway, at least they’re not making us listen to the Buffy Musical Soundtrack for the fortieth time.
However, when I glanced back and saw a tiny six year old finger sticking out of her unzipped pants waving around like a puh-NIS, I accepted the fact that I was just too prudish for this, and asked that they take a break from this game, and hey wouldn’t they like to listen to Hannah Montana? Or even (sigh) High School Musical?
No such luck.
Later that evening, freshly squeaky clean from his shower, Boy announced that he had something tell me—“While I was in the shower, I was playing with my penis, because it was hard, and sperm shot out!”
“Did it feel good?”
“Okay. That’s called masturbating. It’s perfectly normal. I’m glad it felt good. Have fun.”
Cordelia: Your ten year old son just jerked off in the shower.
Guy: That’s my boy!
But the thing is, I’m not sure he did. A) He’s ten. Which is so early it’s just sad. B) What happened to wet dreams? Doesn’t anybody have wet dreams anymore? C) If you’d just had an orgasm for the first time, would you tell your parents about it??? Much less your stepmother? No. Like me, you’d lock your bedroom door and have at it very quietly and secretively and never never no never masturbate? Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.
He does seem to be going through the early stages of puberty (and so was given a book—What’s Happening to My Body, and gee, I wonder if maybe masturbating was described in this book?) and gives me daily updates on the state of his pubic hair.
Boy: The hairs are growing! (Opens pants) Wanna see?
Cordelia: No, thank you.
I’m not sure why I’m the go-to person on this whole puberty thing. Maybe because I went through it more recently? He and I have had frank talks about how all of this is normal and not weird or gross and no, that’s just regular underarm Polish kid hair, not pubic underarm hair and menstruation isn’t painful (giant lie, but some girlfriend will bitch to him later in life) and no, we needn’t warn Girl about it right this minute, there’s plenty of time.
The kid’s freaking himself out. And dammit, he’s freaking me out. I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t talk to me, but I’m not the expert on all things sex! And I’m not a parent! And not to mention, if Boy has discovered masturbating, those kids are going to need separate rooms asap.
At the very least, we’ll work on the proper pronunciation of various genitalia.