Jul 9, 2007

Guy and I have decided to give up cable.

Our reasons for getting cable in the first place were, if I recall correctly, Studio 60 and the Yes Network. Since both Studio 60 and the Yankees have kind of sucked out, we took a moment to reassess whether we really need cable.

Cons:

1. The aforesaid Yankees. Guy doesn't mind as much, but I wince every time he wants to watch a game, and because I'm a spoiled brat we usually just watch either Buffy or whatever we have from Netflix. We watched more earlier in the season, but now I just find it depressing. Even when they win.

2. The old adage "there is never anything on" is so completely, entirely, totally in every way true.

3. While it is nice to have shows available—shows like Heroes, for example, and Coupling—I could so totally rent those and frankly would rather do so because then they wouldn't have commercials and I could watch them in a row instead of waiting for SIX WEEKS WHICH IS NOT HEROIC AT ALL SYLAR COULDA KILLED HOW MANY PEOPLE IN ALL THAT TIME.

Pros:

1. On the other hand, it is nice to have shows like House and Who's Line Is It Anyway available, because those aren't really renters but Hey, I kinda feel like watching a crabby doctor whose American accent still freaks me out a little. But actually now that I think about it, I watch Who's Line Is It Anyway for hours on end so really it does fall into the rental category and I heard House is completely, insanely inaccurate which kinda spoils the fun. So really this entry belongs under Cons.

2. On Demand, though. On Demand is good. We watched Die Hard With A Vengeance the other night. Just doesn't get better than that.

3. The kids really like them some America's Funniest Home Videos. And Hannah Montana. And The Naked Brothers. And Fairly Odd Parents. And Drake and Josh. And Zach and Cody. I have the sense that the Disney Channel is visual crack. I don't know how else to explain High School Musical.


So. It was a difficult decision. But then we saw something that made our decision so clear, so right, it was like the clouds parted and the angels above sang out the answer in ten-part harmony.

We watched Animal Planet's Chased By Sea Monsters.

Not something we would ordinarily have watched, but having scrolled through the channel guide and discovered that (surprise!) nothing was on, we felt that a show with the words "sea monsters" in the title deserved a closer look.

Now I'm not sure what this show deserves. The guillotine would be too kind.

"Naturalist" Nigel Marven goes diving with the sea monsters. He and his crew go out on a boat, and sail around with their radar until they find something scary, and then he puts on his scuba gear and tries not to get killed. Fair enough.

But the monsters are prehistoric.

They are CGI.

And yet he tracks them on radar and swims away quickly in case the scary computer graphic bites him in half.

It would of course be one thing if this were a Magic School Bus-type kids show. But it's not. It was on at 9:30. The tone was adulty, or at the very least teenagery.

Nigel scanned that radar. Would the Mosasaur be swimming in Hell's Aquarium? Would it??? It would! Hooray! But it is far, far too dangerous to go diving in these dangerous waters. Nigel can't risk it. Even his smell suit wouldn't keep him safe.*

Oh, but Nigel can't resist.

And in he goes! I'm so surprised! How thrilling! Uhoh--watch out! And elasmosaur is attacking the giant CGI turtle Nigel is riding! And now a bunch of them are attacking the boat! And at the end? Nigel and his crew die, asleep in their bunks, killed by a swarm of Mosasaurs.

And the colored angels sing: Doo, doo doo, do-do-do, doo, doo doo, doo doo, do-do-do....Goodbye, Cable!




*Yes. Nigel wore a "smell suit" to survive swimming with Dunkleosteuses. When one came to attack him, he released the odor of rotting reptile into the water.**

**I would go into how retarded it is to release the odor of rotting reptile when one considers that at the time, they were busy attacking Nigel and another rotting reptile***, but that would presume some sense of logic in a show that is honest to God featuring a man in scuba gear swimming with dinosaurs.

***I would go into how bad the CGI effects were, to the point where the rotting reptile looked like a stone statue dinosaur that was crumbling into dust, but that would presume some sense of anybody caring about this stupid ass show enough to do a decent job on the special effects.

1 comment:

S said...

send me an email and I tell you the whole sorted story of how I survive sans cable, or sat or rabbit ears.

./s