My Love, My Star

The man I would leave Guy for is not Clive Owen, nor is it Johnny Depp. Sexy as they are, they would be one-night stands in The Cliff Game. The man I'd marry is Patrick Star.

He would make me incredibly happy for all my life. All I have to do is hear his voice, or see his face, and a blissful smile comes over my face. I long to poke a finger in his stomach, or squish his organless body with my own bony one.

Okay, before you all get revolted, this is a purely chaste love. Sex with Patrick would be wrong, like sex with a small child. And frankly, lust is the one happy feeling he does not provoke in me. Laughter, joy, love, affection, yes--but desire? Um, no. No thank you.

But the thing about Patrick is, I could have sex with anyone I wanted and he wouldn't care! He probably wouldn't notice even if he walked in on us. But I would want an honest relationship, so I would say "Patrick my love, I'm going to go out and be thoroughly satisfied by a very virile man." And he would say "Okeedokee. Have fun!"

Oh, Patrick. My love. If only you were three-dimensional.

Song:
Jonathon Fisk, Spoon

Quote:
Patrick: [talking to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward?
[silence]
Patrick: [to the fire hydrant] That's okay, take your time.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm MAD!
Patrick: Me too.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why are YOU mad?
Patrick: [looks up, and seethes] I can't see my forehead! Why are YOU mad?

[SpongeBob feared that Patrick had died]
SpongeBob SquarePants: PATRICK! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Patrick: [after a pause] I am?

Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Oh, but I'm not sure how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
[Both listen intently to jazz music]
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma
[thought bubble for Patrick shows a carton of milk tipping over and spilling]

(Spongebob. Too many, couldn't decide).